The Friendgirl and the Married Man


Song of Solomon 5:16

His mouth is most sweet,

Yes, he is altogether lovely.

This is my beloved,

And this is my friend,

O daughters of Jerusalem!

Song of Solomon is often credited as the Bible’s “book of romance”. In verse 10 of chapter 5 the Shulamite begins to physically describe her beloved. She paints a picture of him from his head “like the finest gold” and his black, wavy locks of hair (v11) to his feet which also happen to look like “fine gold” (v15). In modern language, she is hot for him! He’s gorgeous. She sums up the description with a quip about his kiss, and then concludes by declaring her own rights to him. She claims him as her beloved – but also as her friend. It’s not just about sex or attraction. She admits that companionship is also key. There is a level of friendship that should only exist within marriage.

Fast-forward a little bit and after a few years of marriage to Mr. Headntoesofgold, everything is fine and dandy. Then she meets “the friendgirl”.

Ladies, have you ever found yourself wandering into “friendgirl” position with a married man?

Can you imagine how the Shulamite would have reacted if her claim on her husband had been violated? When a husband has another female friend who knows him in an emotionally intimate context, something is not right. The vulnerability that creates that “one-fleshness” that marriage is often noted for has been compromised.

It often stems out of innocent circumstances:

  • He is  a co-worker and we just click.
  • He’s friends with my brother. I like to hang out with them.
  • We have so much in common. He’s really easy to talk to.
  • We share a hobby. His wife doesn’t like to join us.
  • He’s Christian. He encourages me.

The fact is – it doesn’t matter how the friendship started. At a certain level the relationship becomes too personal and you  have transformed from female acquaintance to a threat toward his marriage. Often men stumble into these situations when they are struggling with their marriages. As females, our vulnerability is attractive to men. God built within men the desires to protect and provide for women. When things get rocky in marriage, a man may veer toward a female friend who seemingly needs his support. Unlike the single man in the Boundless article, a married man may keep you at arm’s length because he does not want to ruin his marriage. He would never cheat on his wife – at least not physically… But in all reality, his deep camaraderie with you may already be causing damage.

Long conversations, heartfelt secrets, shared memories all lead toward desire. You may both enjoy the benefits of a friendgirl relationship. But I assure you his wife will not. A non-physical friendship that seems harmless enough is actually frequently termed “emotional adultery”. A friendgirl wreaks havoc in a marriage because her presence leads to envy, mistrust, and possible infidelity between the spouses.

Ladies, if you think you are getting too close to a married man, I have one word of advice: “FLEE!”

I do not care how valuable the friendship is to you or to him. If it threatens his marriage it needs to end. Pour your heart out to another girl, or to a male family member, or to God – but stay away from that man. Down the road you will be glad you walked away. Nobody wants to be the “reason that couple split up”.


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