List of Things to Do When You are Bored and Alone

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I recognize the fact that not every single woman has the advantage of living on  a street like mine. When I get bored, I simply open my door and saunter outside.

Bloodcurdling screams? Check.

Drug deals on the corner? Check.

Drunk boxing matches on my neighbor’s front porch? Check.

Intoxicated men of all ages eager to hit on me and drool all over my… um… motorcycle? Check.

All this AND pizza next-door!

Nonetheless, other singles feel plagued by boredom on a regular basis. In order to help out anyone who may fall into that “bored” category, I have devised the following List of Things to Do When You are Bored and Alone:

  1. Need spark? Pour a bucket of ice water over your television set. TV is a waste of life anyway. Not only will this action create incredible spark (and perhaps some smoke), it will also make for a great story later on!
  2. Would you like to let out some pent-up frustration? Perhaps you recollect some not-so-fond memories with an ex-boyfriend. I do not condone shooting people. But… a paintball gun, a Target store with a well-lit sign, and a healthy imagination at 3am may relieve some of that frustration. Worried about being arrested for vandalism? Don’t be silly. The store’s name is Target. They are begging for it. And besides – even if you do get arrested – vandalism charges are not nearly as big of a deal as manslaughter charges. This may save your ex-boyfriend’s life.
  3. Devise super heroes an super villains based on yourself and a group of your friends. No friends? Any random group of people will suffice. Make a comic strip and post it on Facebook with all individuals tagged. (If all else fails, use politicians; maybe you will be able to pass off your work as political cartoons and get paid.)
  4. Go to Pizza Hut. Find a head cook named James. Or Josh. Whichever. Burst into tears and tell him you will never forgive him for cheating on you. Then give him back some random tee shirt that you say was his and walk away with disgust. Cry out over your shoulder something about how he will never get to meet his daughter. Then call his mother and tell her that “Operation Prank-My-Son” is complete.
  5. Drive to a local bar or a street like the one I live on. Find a man who is passed out drunk and paint his fingernails to look like ladybugs. Bonus points if you find a man who has not yet passed out and he agrees to let you paint his nails! (Paint the conscious man’s nails to look like smiley faces rather than ladybugs.)
  6. Hitch a ride with a cab driver. When it is time to get out of the car, tell the driver that you are desperately lonely. Explain that you would have called a shrink, but you cannot afford one. Don’t leave the taxi until you’ve shared a story sad enough to make the driver cry.
  7. Grab a tambourine and join the local heretic on the street corner.
  8. Drive to a gas station and pretend your car has broken down. Wait for guys to show up. If an ugly one wanders by, assure him that you’ll be okay – help is on the way. If some cute ones stop, milk that “damsel in distress” routine for all it is worth. 😉
  9. Stand outside the local pound and sing “Who let the dogs out?” If anyone asks you to leave, explain that you are trying to launch your career as an animal entertainer. Sing to the dogs because they are more enthusiastic listeners than most other pets.
  10. Walk around town blowing bubbles. Do not avoid other people you know.

I hope this list serves you well. Please let me know the outcome of any ideas you try from this list. Feel free to offer your own input.

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