Monthly Archives: May 2013

Old Men Get Away With Everything

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So I know that I have pretty much abandoned this blog… Primarily due to the realization that I was far more cynical than I should be… Also because I am terribly busy. But I stumbled across this blog that I wrote last year for a friend which was deleted. And I laughed. So I’ve decided to share. Who knows? Maybe this will be a fresh start? More blogs to come perhaps?

He saunters into the gas station, and then stops dead in his tracks. He has never before seen anything like it. So lovely. So refined. The gas station attendant looks like an angel! No wait – better than an angel… Angels tend to be male… This gas station attendant looks like a sexy librarian!!

He cannot hold back. He must say something to her. But what should he say? What does a person say to a sexy librarian working at a gas station? He’s never run into this problem before… Uh… “I love your glasses! They make you look like a sexy librarian.”

The truth stumbles past his lips. She had to find out somehow. How do you add charm to a statement like that anyway? Nevermind – no need to add charm. He is old. Old men are allowed to make completely awkward and inappropriate comments without being charming. It’s that special quality which sometimes causes me to wish I were an old man. They get away with so much…

A white-bearded man dressed as Santa Claus once asked me the stereotypical, “Have you been naughty or nice?” question. I smiled out at him and told him he was supposed to know the answer already.
His eyes twinkled and he declared, “You might get better presents if you were naughty once in a while…”
I suddenly remembered why I hate Santa Claus. Weirdo. Nonetheless, that authentic white hair gives him permission to make such comments. A younger man would not dare.

Old men get away with all kinds of crap.

He can say something raunchy and not get slapped. A girl would feel terrible if she knocked out his dentures.

He can gawk at her chest and smile broadly. He ignores her hostile glares. If she confronts the rude behavior,
he assures her that his eyesight is poor. He thought he was looking into her eyes. The argument to that obvious lie just leads to an even more awkward conversation, so the girl shuts her mouth and continues to glare.

He can invite a perfect stranger out to dinner. Years ago he lost all of the pride and self-respect that causes younger men to halt for fear of rejection. He expects her to decline his invitation – but she just might say “yes”. He’s got nothing to lose.

He can refer to random cashiers and waitresses as “honey”, “sweetie”, or “dear” – or even call one his “girlfriend” and we females don’t have it in us to break his fragile, elderly heart and tell him not to use such terms of endearment. Besides, he probably gives the biggest tips. He has nothing more important to spend his money on.

He can fall over some invisible obstacle and five beautiful women will rush to his aid. They will hold his hands, pat his forehead, usher him to a comfortable chair. The same women would smirk and walk away from a young man who trips over that same “invisible obstacle”.

He can flirt shamelessly, and then tell a story about his devoted wife in the next sentence. Somehow the flirting is brushed off and he comes across as “very sweet” for complimenting his wife of 30,000 years.

He can use provocative words and make suggestive jokes. The girl glances over his knee high socks and red suspenders and decides those words mean something completely different to his generation. She must be misinterpreting.

Let’s face it: An old man can say just about anything to a young woman. She won’t do anything to stop him. The best way I know how to respond to this fact of life is to share the stories with my friends so that we can all gag and then laugh in unison. Keep at it, old men. If you say something funny enough, you may reach a girl’s blog someday.