Tag Archives: women

Looking for a Fight

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I’m not sure why, but lately I’ve been begging for a fight. Maybe it is just my confrontational nature. Maybe my inner Lady Thor is getting restless. But I practically yearn for disagreement.

A lot of people hate to fight. They avoid arguments at all costs. I’m not one of those people.

I’m not saying I want to bash anyone’s head in. I’m not saying that I like to be vicious.

What I am saying is this: a fight isn’t always such a bad thing.

It’s amazing how context plays such a huge role in a sentiment. For instance:

“She’s a fighter!”

What do you envision when you read that statement? Does a picture change your perspective?

 

Sometimes a fight is completely uncalled for. Sometimes a fight is okay. Sometimes a fight is absolutely necessary! It all depends. What are we fighting about? What are we fighting for? How are we fighting?

As pessimistic as I am about relationships, I have a confession. Unlike most people, I am actually attracted to a man who is willing to fight with me. I’m not saying that my dream-man is abusive. I’m saying that I’d like a guy with a backbone. I cringe when I hear my friends say that they’ve never really disagreed with their significant others.

Never? Not about anything?

“Well, we disagreed about something once. But we chose not to discuss it. It’s not really that big of a deal. We see eye to eye about everything else.”

Right. Everything else. No other differences of opinion. I believe you – really I do…

Some people fight all of the time about everything. That’s definitely not healthy. But other people refuse to fight about anything ever. I submit the notion that that isn’t healthy either. You see, as evidenced by the picture of the cancer patient above, some things are worth fighting for. I feel like a relationship – if it has any lasting potential whatsoever – is one of those things.

While others look at a couple who always get along and say, “They are going to make it in life because they have so much in common!”

I say, “They obviously aren’t communicating. No two people agree on everything always. Unless someone gets brave enough to disagree out loud – they are doomed!”

So when I’m feeling the way I do – hungry for a fight – it’s not just because I’m hostile or confrontational. I’m wondering if anyone finds their relationship with me important enough to fight for. I’m wondering if anyone thinks my opinion is significant enough to disagree with. If communicating is a struggle, will you give up on me and move on? Or will you exert the effort necessary to understand and to be understood? I’m searching for someone with a bit of self-confidence.

In a man, confidence is a huge turn-on. (Note: I said confidence, not arrogance.) A man is supposed to be the leader in a marital relationship. If a man cannot even stand up to me, how can I possibly expect him to lead me?

Do you value my thoughts enough to consider them and reflect upon them? Do you value your own thoughts enough to voice them if you disagree with mine?  Do you have the self-assurance to stand up to me? Is a relationship with me truly worth fighting for?

Or would you prefer something more surface-level? Let’s not make waves with a disagreement. If that’s what you want, then I suppose that’s okay. But don’t be surprised when I walk away. Cuz I’m looking for a fight.

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Commitment-Phobe? Moi?

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Scenario 1

“If we hire you for this position, are you willing to commit for at least one year?”

Wave of terror passes over my face.

“Why is it so important that I stay for a year? Even if I only work here for a short time, I will still be a good worker,” I questioned the man interviewing me. I’m not good at sucking up during interviews. The blunt, confrontational side of me never backs down.

“Sarah, it is a waste of our time to hire and train an employee who will leave the company in less than a year. I need to know if you will commit to at least one year,” he responded. He looked slightly annoyed – but overall he was very patient with me.

I self-talked myself through the decision. Surely I could last a year. I agreed. I may have sounded hesitant; but my word is my word.

Next year will mark my five year anniversary with the same corporation. That interview question, although it threw me into a temporary panic, didn’t turn out to be such a big deal.

 

Scenario 2

Should I do it? Should I not? Should I keep looking? Should I wait? I don’t know. Will I find a better deal? Is this the right place?

On and on the questions soared through my brain. I had a lease to sign. Once again, someone was asking for a year-long commitment. Once again, I was not feeling so hot about the idea.

It’s the right price. Right distance from work. Good parking for my motorcycle. They will let me bring my cat. Why must they insist that I sign a year-long lease? What’s so terrible about month-to-month?

I signed the lease. It’s been a year and a half now.

I don’t really have any intentions to move. Nonetheless, I opted out of renewing my lease. Once I fulfilled the first year they allowed me to rent month-to-month going forward. Why place restrictions upon myself that are not absolutely necessary?

 

Scenario 3

“Hi, I’m Mr. BraveEnoughToAskYouOut. What’s your name?”

This is the kind of guy that automatically goes in for eye contact. I don’t dare call him Mr. CommitmentLover, because he may also be a total commitment-phobe in the typical sense of the term. He may dodge long-term relationships or marriage. He may only be interested in a night of pleasure. But he’s got me beat. Committing to that first date is even too hard for me.

Like I said, he’s brave and he goes in for eye contact. He’s searching: Is she interested? What will she say if I ask her out? Is she checking me out?

I dodge the eye contact.

Yes, I am interested. Yes, I am checking you out. But, don’t even ask that question in between. I dodge the eye contact in an effort to squelch your bravery because your bravery will lead to our dating and our dating will lead to me feeling attached and I don’t want to feel attached. You want me to flirt? Quit acting so interested. (I know I’ve adamantly proclaimed that guys should be brave and pursue. I’m admitting now that I’m a total hypocrite and don’t encourage men to pursue with my actions. Sue me.)

Should Mr. BraveEnoughToAskYouOut happen to continue despite my lack of eye contact… I continue to run. Hang out this weekend? I might be busy this weekend… Not really sure about all my plans yet. Dinner? How about coffee? Coffee doesn’t feel like nearly as big of a commitment as dinner…

 

Okay. In the first two scenarios I was practically forced to commit, despite my reservations. Neither situation turned out too badly. That goes to show that if I actually step out of my comfort zone and go on a real date with a guy I actually like, it may not turn out too badly either. If someone manages to get me past that first step – then maybe it will work out. Like the job and the apartment.

We may end up in a steady dating relationship and I may end up appreciating said relationship.

Or he may cheat on me. Or dump me and leave me desperately heart-broken. Or betray my confidence. Or use me. Or die. Or all of the above.

I think I’d rather dodge eye contact and whine about how men are cowards.

 

The Green Monster

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Over and over I hear single women bemoan the fact that their friends are coupling off, tying the knot, and popping out little ones.

“When is it going to be my turn?” she wines.

“Why am I having such a hard time finding a man? All of my friends seem to be finding decent husbands!”

“Is there something wrong with me?”

I’ve never really considered myself the jealous type. My friend enters a relationship, and if I don’t automatically assume it will fail (since I’m somewhat cynical…) then I wish them the best. I sincerely hope it works out well. I’m not jealous because I LOVE my life! I never get jealous. I never got jealous.

Until last week. That green monster within yawned and stretched his arms. Rise and shine, Jealous Streak!

You see, my bestie found an **almost-boyfriend. There has been a lot of tension between me and her for the last few months. But last week everything mounted. [Almost-boyfriend: a man who is not yet in a relationship with a woman; a man who is on the verge of moving forward in a romantic relationship; a man who flirts shamelessly and pays lots of attention to a woman, but has not made any formal commitment; the title of a man the week before he becomes an actual boyfriend.]

Mr. UnpaidTherapist walks by my desk at work and I throw out the update on bestie and her almost-boyfriend. He laughs at my snide comment with a comeback stating that I am jealous. He may as well have set up a couch in his office and called me in for an appointment. Minutes later I hurry to fill him in on the actual issue.

He’s right. I’m jealous. But he’s wrong. I’m not jealous. And I don’t have multiple personalities either.

I’m still content. I still enjoy my life. I am not, by any means, overwhelmed with desire for a partner in life. I don’t look at any of the couples around me and seethe with envy. I am not one of those girls muttering the questions and phrases listed at the beginning of this blog with an intense feeling of despair. I don’t covet relationship to that degree.

The man doesn’t make me jealous either. I am in no way attracted to the almost-boyfriend she landed. That issue is a non-issue.

Naturally, Mr. UnpaidTherapist wonders what awakened my green monster.

My best friend no longer needs me. She doesn’t call me on a daily basis, because she is more than distracted by this fabulous new love interest. She doesn’t feel the need to hang out because she spends all spare time with him. She doesn’t really care what I think of this guy because she is so deeply infatuated that other opinions have lost all value. She’s not interested in my trip to Jamaica because her path toward relationship is way more exciting to talk about than a tropical island. She discarded her super-tight Queen of Spades for that studly King of Hearts. As the Queen of Spades, I’m chilling out in the middle of the table, mingling with the rest of the cards, glaring at King of Hearts and feeling dreadfully jealous.

The fact that King of Hearts isn’t even a real boyfriend just adds insult to injury. I’ve been abandoned for an almost-boyfriend? Really?

That was last week. This week has been better. A little bit of prayer, a lot of feeling convicted for a being a terrible support to my best friend when she is super excited about this new turn of events in her life, and a swift kick to green monster’s head helped considerably. I was even able to feel some genuine enthusiasm last night when I called to listen to her gush about King of Hearts officially asking her out this week. (Almost-boyfriend stepped into official boyfriend category tonight. Injury still healing, but insult removed.)

Funny coincidence: Bestie said something on the phone tonight about how she no longer needs my input in her life now that she has this boyfriend. She has no idea that her lack of interest in my input is what threw me into an emotional fit last week. Good thing I’m over it this week.

Translate Love

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A group I meet with weekly is currently studying Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages”. In case you’ve never heard of it, the author teaches that people express and respond to love in 5 basic ways 0r understand love in “5 languages”. He explains that in order to express love to someone effectively, you need to communicate through that person’s primary love language. Quick breakdown of the 5:

 

  1. Quality Time: undivided attention or special moments set aside for me prove that  you love me/distractions during conversation, standing me up, or postponing a date hurt me deeply
  2. Words of Affirmation: tell me I’m beautiful, tell me you appreciate me, openly compliment me in front of others and  recognize your love for me/don’t thank me or compliment me when I do things or make fun of me and I feel devalued
  3. Receiving Gifts: give me a gift “just because” or go out of your way to find me that “perfect something” for my birthday and I realize that you treasure me/forget me or pick up something dumb because you feel you have to and I don’t believe you care about me
  4. Physical Touch: hug me, hold me, pat me on the arm, and I sense your love for me/your aloofness or discomfort at my touch devastates me
  5. Acts of Service: do me a favor, help me with some chores, ease my burdens somehow and I can see that you love me/break a promise, neglect to finish that project you told me you’d do around the house, or shuffle your responsibilities into my lap – those things really bother me

That’s the rundown. If you want to see which love languages apply most in your own life I encourage you to take an assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Anyway, as we discussed some of these principles last night, I found my mind wandering back to Jamaica… again. There was one man, in particular, that I became attached to while I was down there. As a girl who is not easily wooed by the opposite sex, I kept wondering why this man left such a strong impact on me after just two days together. (They weren’t even two consecutive days together – we saw each other the first Friday my friend and I were there and again the last Sunday.) During our meeting last night, it dawned on me. In the two short days I spent with him, Raul (as my friend fondly nicknamed this guy) expressed love to me through four of the five love languages!

Raul was braiding my hair within the first twenty minutes of meeting. 🙂

His friendly introduction started the process. My friend and I passed a restaurant and he called down to us from the balcony, inviting us to stop. We passed by, but returned a short while later to eat lunch. He approached us with a smile and asked if he could join us. Within seconds he not only welcomed us to Jamaica, but he was talking openly with us about our trip and about his culture. Quality time.

This restaurant had a couple of water slides and water trampolines. We went for the slide into the ocean. After exploding out the slide into salt water, we climbed up onto a trampoline to lay down for a while and catch our breaths. More time to talk. He began to emphasize how much he liked me. He exalted my smile. He told me I was beautiful. He went on and on about how nice I seemed to be – which he could not always expect from tourists. In contrast, he claimed that many tourists are rude to Jamaicans. Words of affirmation.

After some more play in the water, we climbed onto the dock to relax. Raul left me for a few moments as I laid down in a lawn chair. A lifeguard came and put the rest of the lawnchairs away. When Raul returned, he sat at the end of the chair by my feet. It didn’t take long before he pulled my legs into his lap so he could rub my feet. I watched him in awe as he caressed my feet so tenderly. I thought about stopping him – how could I accept such an act from an almost-stranger? Was I using him? But I never could say “no” to a good foot massage. I decided to delight in the special treatment and he continued. Physical touch.

My friend and I left him, but agreed to think about hanging out later that night. We did end up spending more time with him and we met more friends of his later on. After a fun night together, he and his friends offered to walk us back to our hotel. We had been by the beach, so my feet and flip-flops were covered with sand. He looked down and then asked us to wait. He went for the shore and came back with a cup of water to clean the sand off my feet so that it would not irritate my skin as we walked back. My friend stared at him with her mouth wide open as he hurried back and forth from me to the ocean until my feet were completely clean. Acts of service.

Those were four specific instances that Raul expressed love to me in our first day together. I could list countless other gestures if I took the time. I highly doubt this man’s ever read the book. But he is fluent in the languages of love.

Lady Thor

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Uh-oh. Another one is mad at me.

I pulled onto my street and saw my landlord talking to someone in a big white pickup truck. Hey, that looks like Mr.CoffeeEncounter’s truck. I park. I step outside of my car, almost directly next to this white truck. I look up. Crap! That is Mr.CoffeeEncounter’s truck! [For background info on Mr. CoffeeEncounter see: https://sarahbux.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/flirt-to-convert-prelude-to-a-coffee-encounter/  or  https://sarahbux.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/a-coffee-encounter/]

I wave nonchalantly at my Mr. CoffeeEncounter and my landlord while I bolt toward my apartment. I hope he can’t tell that I’m about to pee myself. Here’s the thing: A month or two ago, Mr. CoffeeEncounter and I were texting. And… well, let’s just say it ended with a challenge… He made an effort to meet that challenge… Ummm… Long story made short – I told him if he wanted to spend time with me, he would have to show up on my doorstep when I just happen to be available. He tried a few times. I wasn’t available.

Needless to say, he stopped trying after that… and I had not seen him until this very moment of pulling up beside his truck. Surprisingly enough, he did not look so thrilled to see me!

After a quick but completely awkward exchange, he left and I went for a ride. The next morning I waltz into my unpaid therapist’s office at work and spill everything. This was the second guy I pissed off that week! I don’t try to make them mad. Why am I so good at making men angry?! (Could this be my spiritual gifting? Jesus made A LOT of people mad, right?….)

You see, Mr. CoffeeEncounter looked so pathetic and wounded that I initially felt guilty for the way I had treated him. But as I contemplated the situation on my motorcycle ride, I realized I had no reason to feel guilty. I reminded myself of all the reasons I gave him that “Show up when I’m not busy” ultimatum. The reasons boiled down to one primary “He always stands ME up!” No, no. I did nothing wrong.

As I stood in Mr. UnpaidTherapist’s office, I gave him a quick update of the situation and then asked him, “What am I doing wrong?!”

He laughed and began describing my Viking helmet. “Thor, you throw down the hammer.”

That’s it. That’s all the counsel he’s got for me. You see, a month or two ago Mr. UnpaidTherapist nicknamed me Thor. After I sought some clarification (“Are you telling me I look like a male demigod!?”] he assured me that the nickname is only due to my hammer throw-down. Apparently I throw down hammers all over the place… not just around guys I like. Not sure how to fix that. Or even if I should.

The Practice Date

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Kissing is for real dates.

What is a “practice date”? A few weeks back, I read an article on a webzine. A reader sent in a question about “practice dating” and I scoffed. What the heck is a practice date? If two people like each other, they can go on a real date. If they do not like each other, they do not go out on dates. Isn’t that how it is supposed to work? There is no such thing as a practice date. Silly question, reader.

Little did I know that I would be invited to go out on one a few short weeks later. The conversation was nearly over. I had already said “Good night” when the question arrived. Quick response (I think I’d like to date this guy): I agreed with his proposition. Conversation ends. Life goes on.

A few days later, we talk again. All of the sudden I think back to that previous conversation.

What the heck did he mean by “practice” date?

Maybe I am old-fashioned. Or simplistic. But I never realized that dating and rocket science are comparatively complex. As I said before, I thought people who are interested in developing a romantic relationship go on dates and people who are not interested in developing a romantic relationship do not go on dates. Notice, I did not mention people who are ready to commit for life. I said people who are interested. I cannot figure out what kinds of people would fit into this brand new subcategory called “practice dating”. I also cannot figure out what the difference is between a date and a practice date. What is the purpose of this thing called a practice date?

Side hugs are more appropriate for practice dates.

What if two people went on this practice date together and a friend came up to one of them?

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever. How have you been? Oh and who’s this cute guy you’re dating? We haven’t met before!”

*Coughcough* “Oh, we aren’t dating. He’s actually just my practice date. Don’t worry, though. You aren’t the first to be confused!”

 

Should money be exchanged? “I haven’t had a date in so long… I just didn’t want to forget how to go about it. So I don’t actually like you or anything, but I was wondering if you might like to practice date me. Just to ‘keep me fresh’. I could pay you! … Unless you think that’s too similar to prostitution…”

 

Then, of course, there is the whole issue of boundaries. In real dating, there are enough questions regarding boundaries. Who should ask who out? When is the first kiss appropriate? How soon should we go formal? When should we meet the family? After how many dates do we become exclusive? The questions go on and on. The answers fluctuate with each and every couple.

What questions need to be answered in “practice dating”? Does it matter who makes the request since it isn’t a real date? Should the family ever even find out about a practice date? Is kissing okay as long as it’s deemed “practice kissing”?

 

Is practice dating intended to perfect that art-form known as actual dating? There is that age-old saying, “Practice makes perfect.” Although, I’ve always preferred a quote I used to hear from one of my basketball coaches. She said, “Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent.”

If I translate that concept over to dating, I could say that I’ve been practicing singleness for quite some time now. If I continue this way, I will likely wind up single permanently. I can deal with that. If I start dating, I will likely wind up in a relationship. But if I start “practice dating”, where will I end up? In an “almost-relationship”? I won’t really be single. I won’t really be in a relationship. I’ll just be frustrated.

 

Is practice dating like a safety net under the tightrope for real dating?

“I want to date this person but I’m not sure if this person wants to date me… I don’t want to face possible rejection.”

“I doubt things would work out between us… I’d rather not work at a real relationship with odds like this.”

“I find this person interesting and I would like to spend more time with her alone… But a date is a big leap.”

 

All of these thoughts bring me back to a guy I used to know. He pursued me almost immediately. I felt attached to him extremely quickly. He asked me out. I said that I would prefer to be his friend. He said that guys and girls cannot be friends. I told him that they could and that I would be his friend whether he liked it or not. After a few months I realized I could not be “just” his friend. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Once romantic interest has been established for either person, it is nearly impossible for a healthy friendship to exist. One person will always hope for something more, and ultimately feel disappointed.

 

So when I told Mr. Practice Date that I either want a real date or we need to back away from this close friendship, he said to me, “You realize that you’re doing the very same thing with our friendship as you do with your relationship prospects? You’re doing that same thing where you protect yourself from pain unless you’re unbelievably sure that it will amount to exactly what you want it to.”

In essence, I responded by asking why protecting myself is such a bad thing. At least I haven’t asked anyone out on any practice dates… 😉

Dear Besties:

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I’m beginning to think that you all hate me.

Discretion? What’s that? Privacy? Who needs it? 

Wait – are you not the type to wear your heart on your sleeve? No worries! I will rip it out and tape it to your sleeve! Problem fixed.

Those things you said in confidence? Please… secrecy is for sissies. Allow me to broadcast your issues to the world. Don’t thank me now. What are friends for?

To all my guy friends: I miss you terribly. Somehow I managed to forget that women are completely incapable of keeping their friggen mouths shut.

For now, I’m okay. I’ve scolded those who are pissing me off and, slowly but surely, I am getting better at this not telling my close friends anything important because I realize more each day that they don’t know how to SHUT UP.

Unfortunately, it is only a matter of time before I crack. I will either go psycho-killer on them after they expose one too many of my vulnerabilities inappropriately. Or I will invest in duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. Besties, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Reflections: Are You a Leader?

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http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/voiceofhope/

Episode 2 was more primarily aimed toward men. That being said, I’m still going to respond.

First of all, I feel the need to emphasize that more than any other thing – what I want from a man if I am to get married – is godly leadership. I can probably count on one hand the number of men I know that are still single and within my age range whom I can truly view as potential spiritual leaders.

With that in mind, I would like to voice a dilemma. Many of my Christian female friends and I have noticed a devastating truth in the Christian dating scene. Godly men are not pursuing. It’s past the point of “maybe this guy isn’t pursuing me because he simply isn’t interested in me”. It’s quite obvious that these guys aren’t pursuing any women. The ones we find most desirable happen to be the ones who haven’t, to our knowledge, asked a girl out in the last 3 years. The reasoning? They are just “so” into God right now that they don’t want to be distracted by women. I get it. I’ve used the same argument. Here’s the thing: God never said that all dedicated Christians should be single. Yes, there were some very influential singles in the Bible. Yes, Jesus was single. But no where does my Bible say that all the decent Christian men in this world should stop pursuing Christian women. Although I believe the man in the video had the best of intentions, I kind of want to tell him “SHUT UP!!!!!” when he said that men should work harder on “being the right one” than “finding the right one”. He said that becoming the right one will attract Christian women. As a Christian woman who has been “attracted” by these kinds of guys, I want to argue with him and say, “Do one without neglecting the other. Work on becoming the right kind of guy while you find the right kind of girl.” As a Christian girl does not want to have to completely throw herself at you to earn your attention, you are going to have to pursue in order to marry one of us. There is nothing wrong with wanting a wife.  Find one, would you!

Final thought: I kind of didn’t like when he said that non-Christian men will view women as nothing more than trinkets or toys. I think he has a serious point, and that in some cases he may be correct. But I don’t believe that the secular world is completely void of men who value and respect women. That was an overstatement.

Guys, as this video was aimed toward you: What did you think?

Just Do It.

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Just Do It.

My life is like a sneakers commercial. I kid you not. I am dumbfounded by the number of people repeating this phrase to me – “Just do it”. I understand that I have a tendency to overthink things… Particularly relationships. But in my defense, this blog is about singleness. If I were to stop this overthinking completely, my blog would fade into nothingness.

Before I accepted Matt’s challenge to start dating, I had mentioned that others gave me similar advice. Quit analyzing and gain experience. Those same people are still reminding me of this concept. And now a few others have jumped on the bandwagon as well. Everywhere I go, regarding every male I bring up, I hear these words: “Just do it.”

Now, aside from the fact that most of my prospects are dreary (see previous posts), I’m still having trouble adjusting to this “just do it” mentality. This past weekend I unexpectedly ran into a guy that I was slightly interested in. (On the bright side, the men in Nike commercials are always athletic and terribly good-looking. My life commercial is no different.) We had only met once before, but I actually know his parents quite well. In our time apart, my friends made my interest in him abundantly clear to his parents. Abundantly clear.

After spending some time together Saturday, he made an effort to keep in touch with me and my best friend. I did not think he would be too interested in us. But I could not really figure out why he would try to keep in touch (we live several hours away from him) if he were not at all interested in either one of us. With that dilemma in mind, I pondered the possibility of a relationship.

Although he has several great qualities, I am a cat lady. In other words, I excel in the field of “why relationships will not work out well”. Ordinarily, I would gush a little bit and enjoy my newfound crush, but remain secure in the idea that nothing would actually become of my crush. Likely, he would not pursue. But if he did, I already saw at least five possible reasons things would not work out between us. I had plenty of logical rejection material.

Unfortunately, my rejection material directly quarreled with my promise to stop thinking and start dating. He doesn’t have any of the major flaws my other options had (drug addiction, bad hygiene, etc.). He fit the major criteria. Crap. To be true to my word, if he pursued me, I would have to follow through and date this guy. “Just do it.” I was already dreading it. [Those five possible reasons I had accumulated were very convincing… Only a legitimate cat lady dreads pursuit from a guy she actually likes.]

Perhaps this is because I am a pessimist. Perhaps this is due to my cowardice. Perhaps this is pure wisdom that I have acquired from watching others’ failed relationships. No matter the reason, I was beginning to panic over the potential dating situation. I had already determined that he and I could become good friends, but probably should not become anything more.

Then my best friend told me that this man was not interested. During one of their conversations, he clarified his lack of romantic intentions for either one of us. I’m betting my sigh of relief was audible. In fact, I feel so relieved, I could hug him. Ironic, right? Maybe next time I see him, I will just do it.

And the Fears Emerge

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I can think of at least four men who would help me complete this challenge this very week. And although I’ve been told not to think, just to act – I can’t turn off my mind.

#4. I have no doubts that he is out to use me. He is completely gorgeous. But he’s also a total loser. He’s hit on me several times – but he seems to think that I won’t go out with him because I am a lesbian. I’m not. But I really haven’t argued with him about it because it’s so much easier not to like him when he believes that. And I don’t want to like him. Because he’s a loser. If I hit on him, I’m fairly certain he’d jump at the chance to date me. But I really think he’d be dating me in an effort to take everything from me that he possibly could. Drugs have eliminated his soul and I’d rather not mess around with a guy who has no soul.

#3. He’s rather unreliable, so it might take more than a week to get a date. But I am positive he would make it happen by the end of the month. Probably by the end of the week – because I’ve refused him the last three times and I think he’s getting eager to see me. So if I made a move, I think he’d take the bait right now. He seems like a pretty decent guy, but I can’t count on him for much of anything. I don’t think he knows how to put a relationship first. And he’s made clear that he does not want to get married. I’m not going to stay in any kind of long-term relationship that isn’t geared toward marriage. So I feel like any effort put into dating this guy would just lead to exhaustion, pain, and heartache in the long run. Why bother?

#2. This one also does drugs. But I’m confident that he still has a soul and that he actually cares about me. However, his addiction hinders his life from going forward. He can’t make much more than minimum wage where he works. But he’s told me he won’t really look for another job because other workplaces drug-test. I get along with him quite well. He’s a fabulous person to talk with. But it’s obvious that as long as his life is going nowhere, our relationship would go nowhere. I’d probably enjoy a few dates. But I would dump him quickly. He is the sensitive type. I would feel terrible afterward.

#1. He would follow me to the ends of the earth and do everything humanly possible to please me. I have never met a man quite so determined to be with me. One or two have come close. But he takes the cake. Nonetheless, we do not relate on an intellectual level. He is another one that I know I would dump.

I ran into a guy recently who asked me out months ago. When he asked me out, I tried to explain to him in the kindest way possible why we would not fit well together, and I rejected his offer. He is the type of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I knew for some time that he liked me. His face lit up when I entered the room. He went out of his way to do things for me. I knew that eventually he would ask me out and I would have to explain my feelings of disinterest. Unfortunately, after that whole scenario played out, he did not miraculously change into a man who is difficult to read. He still wears his heart on his sleeve. Although it has been months, I hate running into him. When I see him, he looks so miserable. I feel like all he thinks when he sees me is, “There she is. There’s the girl who broke my heart.”

To sum this all up – I am pointing out the two primary reasons I do not date.

A)     I am afraid of being hurt or being used. (This is the issue with #4 and #3.)

B)      I am afraid of hurting or using someone else. (This is the issue with #2 and #1.)

I have a feeling that blog posts to follow over the next few weeks will get more serious than they have been for awhile… I am going to delve into fear.